What I hadn't admitted was that I had only stuck my toes into the metaphoric waters of prayer, and the guides were now telling me to jump in.
I am attempting to meditate while numerous thoughts boisterously chatter about the reasons why I need to transform my day job. Realizing that stillness is far from occurring, I decide to observe my thoughts. Soon after, a thought rises and asks, "How do I go from being the aspect of myself living as I now am to being the aspect of myself that I seek to live as?"
Before another thought can respond, the guides answer, saying, "Listen to Caroline Myss." I am a bit taken aback. I know of her, however, I am not familiar with her work. I tell the guides okay and, wondering what I am to listen to from Caroline, I do a Google search. Among the choices that appear is an interview with Caroline on the Inspire Nation podcast. The energy pulls me, and I listen.
I busy myself while I listen to Michael Sandler, the host, and Caroline converse. The topic shifts and Caroline begins to speak about the day that her life changed and the significance of living a prayer life. I am suddenly frozen in place, the energy speaks loud and clear, and I am aware that this topic is why the guides referred me to listen. I feel it throughout my body and I begin to cry, which is uncharacteristic of me. I cry messy tears and don't bother to wipe them away because a mini floodgate has opened and, as I listen to her story, I hear the guides and I know that the transformation of my life, which I have requested, requires a life embedded in prayer.
There came a day when meditating that I realized that what called passionately to me was to know God as It knows Itself.
For many years my life had lacked meaningful prayer. I spoke with the
Divine and I would ask for assistance, however, it pretty much ended there. After recommitting to my spiritual life, I thought that continuing this level of prayer, with gratitude added, was fine because I spoke relatively frequently with the Divine and the Divine spoke back. What I hadn't admitted was that I had only stuck my toes into the metaphoric waters of prayer, and the guides were now telling me to jump in.
When I was younger and beginning my conscious journey to know the Divine, I had handed my life, quite literally my whole being, into God's instruction. There came a day when meditating that I realized that what called passionately to me was to know God as It knows Itself. I prayed and, with complete intention, I asked God to teach me, personally
guiding and instructing my every moment of growth, stating that I was willing to shift in the ways necessary for this to occur. I then voiced the dedication of my life; my body, thoughts, speech, and breath, my existence throughout all of creation, to following the pathway led by the Divine Source for me. My life changed after that.
I lived true to my dedication for many years. I lived, more often than not, what Divinity refers to as walking prayer and the awareness state,
where prayer is the manner in which we live, breath, and think, blended in ongoing communion with the Divine and highest light realms.
I was done, I told them and myself, and I was going to live life like any other normal human being.
Contrary to popular belief and hopeful aspiration, a divinely meshed life is not all sunshine and bliss. The path is a luscious bed of roses, lovely and fragrant with thorns in the midst. I survived the thorns despite the heart-wrenching pain some of them had inflicted. And I opened, I embraced the glorious, astounding, and miraculous effects of communion with God. Until, after quite some time, fear rose high in me over the next stage of my work with the Divinity, and I chose
to not continue. Believing I could sidestep it and therefore sidestep my fear, I walked away. I stopped channeling for others, I stopped speaking regularly with the guides, I no longer taught meditation or workshops, I stopped working with energy, and I threw away all but one item displaying my years of work with the Divinity. I was done, I told them and myself, and I was going to live life like any other normal human being.
In walking away, I eventually ceased most practices that had previously been a staple in how I lived. Some I ended immediately, others were lost gradually, and some I practiced sporadically here and there. Over time I stopped praying except on occasion, and I began to forget what it was like to live life in conscious prayer.
My outer life, where I then placed my focus and energy, looked fine. However, I began to struggle emotionally and I experienced depression and despair. Eventually, the despair that I experienced reached a level that was so painful that I began telling God that I needed a way out.
The experience revealed that my depression was not based on wanting to stop living but rather that I wanted a change in how I live.
On a cold, snowy afternoon, as I was driving on a highway that passes through my city, feeling full of despair, the guides began speaking to me. They noted the suffering that I was experiencing and said that I had the opportunity to leave. Speaking out loud, surprising myself with my words, I told them no, I did not want to die, that what I wanted was a change in how I lived my life. Several minutes later I approached a large intersection. I was a ways back from the light when the traffic light turned red and I began to apply the breaks. My car continued moving forward, unable to stop on the icy road. Although the opposite traffic lights had turned green before I reached the intersection, not a single vehicle moved, and I slid through unscathed.
The experience revealed that my depression was not based on wanting to stop living but rather that I wanted a change in how I lived. It served to remind me that we are loved and heard by the guides and Divinity, and instilled remembrance in me of the divine influence and interaction in our lives.
The occurrence stirred something awake inside of me that had fallen asleep during the years that I had traveled off the main path. As a result,
I slowly, steadily with many hiccups, began to acknowledge and work with the fear that I had attempted to evade so many years before. And, I began to explore the changes that were necessary to experience my life as blessed and joyful. I opened myself to the guides and Divinity, removing the restraints that I had put in place. Accepting that when I had walked away they had remained; waiting, loving, assisting. There was no judgment, no shaming, or scolding. I was welcomed back with their enthusiasm and celebration.
A Prayerful Life
I am relearning what I once knew so well. At times it is challenging and so I strive to view my training and growth with amusement. I had to relearn the basics; holding a focus, stilling the mind, raising my vibrations, increasing my frequency, living the integrity that I believe in, opening my voice, and praying. After listening to Caroline Myss sharing her story, I began to introduce prayer more plentifully in my own life. Living a prayerful life is something that I am actively relearning. Reminding myself to be aware, to see the Divine reflected in all that I encounter, and to sink into an ongoing communication with the Divine. I am reminded that life is a prayer and that as I expand, consciously opening, increasing awareness, and raising my frequencies, my ability to experience life as a wakeful, walking prayer returns.
"For you," I am told by the guide who stands over my shoulder as I sit typing, "this is for you" and that you will feel the words pull on you, knowing that you are seen and that you are so loved, cherished, and guided.
I pondered quite a bit over whether to share this story. Few people know it, as it is deeply personal and therefore precious in that it is my experience, my truth. All but a few people currently in my life as I type this, those who actively surround me, are unaware of this side of my story. I set it that way on purpose because when I walked away I hadn't planned on returning. As many times as I have attempted not to write this, time and again I have been called back to it. I am told that there are some of you who need to read it and that by reading you will know that you are not alone on your journey. "For you," I am told by the guide who stands over my shoulder as I sit typing, "this is for you" and that you will feel the words pull on you, knowing that you are seen and that you are so loved, cherished, and guided.
Your anxiety, depression, and anger are your aspects speaking to you, telling you that something is missing in how you are living. What have you walked away from? From what are you hiding?